AbOuT a GiRL…

                              

I remember there was a time when I used to think about this girl all day and night. I used to wait for her in the noisy school hall with my friends before the school started. The entire school gathered there before breaking off to their respective classrooms. And God how my mind occupied with the thought of her arrival I never allowed my friends to stray along in case I missed her. I always made sure we stuck together because in the first place I knew I would get nervous alone. Also may be I wanted witnesses to believe in my theory that that there was indeed something going on between us. Lastly, I wanted information from them while I pretended to look elsewhere praying and picturing she did something. Often the things that I got to hear from them were positive. Now when I think about it my friends were really patient then… nothing like they were bored or something but you know friends just being there for you and the idea of wishing good. I tell you the same thing went on in every break, playground, library, canteens and streets at least for another few weeks. Not that it was the only thing we did because I believe we were also living our teen days. After all isn’t teen life about nailing curiosities that comes along with adolescence? Some of my friends were also on the lookout and in fact were making quite a progress. And there were some naive heads… I mean we had to put some naughty stuff in their heads. It was a sight to see their wizened smiles! And shake them up with some encouraging words and set them GO behind skirt bearers! Sadly it never worked for some. Once was not enough… I still have to think of powerful anecdote and words of encouragements at times! Yea we friends shared those moments together. So where was I? Yea those short breaks. It always saddened me to hear that most irritating school bell. Of course the last bell was different… who doesn’t want it anyways?

I think I need to smoke a cigarette. I will be back in a while.

 My sweetheart used to do that in her letters… and strange I just found it so apt to do that right now. Well, of course, she was not a smoker… it used to be like someone’s at the door or I have to help mom cooking or call for dinner and so and so forth. Yea we used to exchange letters DAILY! We had these funny rules. One was supposed to write on full length papers, no cheating with big handwriting or large spaces… holidays meant one had to write more. Often it was decided in advance regarding the number of pages. So we spilled ourselves a lot to each other that way. We would write on a lot of things and had in fact invented few games where we got literally hooked. She had a list of teachers and actors that she brought alive in her letters. You know a world where she marries them, bear’s children, does the household chores, gets divorced with some, and how some fight amongst them and get naughty on her and stuff.  God how I used to get J on these virtual characters and in fact started to hate them in real life! I wasn’t less too… I brought alive my own list of lady teachers, past and present crush and ex girlfriends. Wow that used to make her go green, blue, and red… so much so that the colorful transformation on her part used to scare me like hell. No doubt I used to write crazy stuff more on those she hated most!
I was returning home after a month. Dawn was breaking but this one was different from the usual type I have encountered so far. It seemed to me that the night wanted to sleep more. You know the way you sometimes make one sweet flight down only to be woken up bitterly again. We caught those heavy slumbering fogs still unaware of their unveiling from darkness. We were riding between long stretches of tea garden. Far along silhouette of trees loomed. It was magical because they appeared to spring from puffy clouds of fog. As we made our ascend towards the enchanted road of bliss we were welcomed by the bugle and trumpets of the insect kingdom. I looked at my fellow passengers. They too were lost in their own thoughts. And so did I.

It used to be on such days. Most of our dates. Wait there for her with the same excitement you had in the school hall. Only this time she was no stranger anymore but someone with whom I considered to spend the rest of my life. All those waiting pangs always disappeared whenever I saw her smile at me. I am not exaggerating but she had this peculiar talking smile. Her smile always seemed to tell me you are mine and I am glad to be yours. No she wasn’t the kind who showed or spoke about her feelings. In fact I was and I remember every time I used to ask her how much she loved me …she always used to hold her thumb and forefinger and squeeze down the gap to a small bit. But she was always there… rain, cold or a hot day… rough roads or if we had to climb hills or just go down the plains walking… she was always there. I don’t want to write more about this because you know I am not feeling okay now. But the reason why I am writing this ‘AbOuT a GiRL’ is because I realized I was missing out on a very important chapter of my life that was beautiful and full of life. And I am trying to contain some of the important phases of my life and experience and dreams and fantasies through various forms at Illusionfactory Inc. Sometimes you do things like an art that starts off with a stroke of brush without any particular thought. You just dip more colors and play more strokes until you get a clear picture about what you are going to do. I think that’s what happened at Illusionfactory Inc.

I think I need another smoke. Will be back in a bit.

 Yes I am back. I want to quit smoking and I have said that a thousand times! The reason I wrote about our dates is because of this strange weather we have in our place. And every time I come across such weather I am plunged into those times. I remember especially one moment when it was time for us to part for some time. I had to leave our town to study further in a college. On the last day I went to meet her. It was Sunday and she couldn’t just leave the house for some reason. However, she managed to steal a moment and came out to see me somewhere above her house. We were desperate and I have already spoken about her nature. I mean the way she never showed her feeling, always pretending to look cool. Sometimes I wonder if she did that for me because I get restless like hell when caught up with emotions. Anyways we didn’t know where to find a private place for ourselves because she didn’t have much time. We were silent most of the time. In haste we just crossed the road and started climbing above and across a stretch of wild uninhabited land. A lone sanatorium stood at quite a distance. We could hear human activities from there. The fog gave us shelter and we just decided to squat facing each other like poor kids. We exchanged our letters and stared at each other. I hated myself for spoiling her habit… I mean I always used to pick and drop her for school, and we almost met everyday… I couldn’t imagine her walking alone all of a sudden. I mean sometimes we used to fight but still I used to walk her home…never leave her stranded.    

I was asking myself and after much reasoning I came to a conclusion that when you walk in the woods with your beloved it is different from everywhere else. The woods protect you from the humdrum outside. I feel the beauty of the woods becomes but a reflection of your precious togetherness that I consider as pious and blessed. You know you connecting with nature in a maternal way. Perhaps that’s the reason why I can still hear the giggles and laughter once let loose in some animated conversation. And sometimes I can picture before me the both of us in spots and roads that we lived and walked once. The conversation still echoing in that filled silence! I say they always keep it for us. It would be quite a thing to walk again if we ever get a chance… you know just a walk for old times’ sake. I wonder how we would react!

I doubt if I’ll ever get a chance to go for a date in such places. I mean where is the place and time? You will be so fucking busy and she will be so fucking busy and everybody will be so fucking busy in the crazy fucking rat race! The easiest catch: the restaurant or the movie or the imitation resort or the tourist kind of sightseeing or finally the room for let’s have sex! I have gone through that man! It corrupts love that’s what I’ll say.

You know what? It’s been several years I haven’t seen her. Anyways, I didn’t intend to tell my story till The End.

Apocalypse Tale…

                               

Oust locks dangle from a motionless labyrinth. A puff of air sets them in motion annoying the emerald steady gaze. The still eyes are not dead, nor sad or ailing either... Yet they could dumbfound an astronaut with their likeliness to the universe. Same beauty, mystery and infinity!

A playful wind sets everyone free from the clutch of immobile time. Dead leaves hiss back to life. Dust gleam in eternal bliss! She fixed her locks back in the labyrinth skillfully guarding the pour on her shoulders. The intricate maze stood tall on her head. Some leaves hovered over to adorn while gleam dust fell gaped on the splendor!

She turned her gaze over the rock and moved towards it to sit. She wore a dull yellow robe that appeared too scared to clothe her beauty. It flowed gently with her every movement that was pure elegance. She looked unearthly… perhaps just a pair of wings would best suit her! She sat on the rock and crossed her leg over another and perched her lovely hands on her knee. Her gaze remained fixed on the horizon.

The sun felt embarrassed for bearing the uneasy heat taking refuge behind every passing cloud. Her bare feet, one that rested on the ground and the other that hung seemed to hold time. Time that was supposed to slip into another moment stood still enthralled in want of more. The dirt on her soles portrayed pure bond between life and earth!

Clouds conspired to rain unduly to touch and drench her every pores. The wind caught the whiff and shoved the clouds to move away. The heavy clouds thundered to summon the others. So the clouds raced from all corners branding dark shadows all over. They swelled and hung low while the wind exerted with all its might to overthrow the clouds. The shy sun got fierce and blazed the clouds from above… scattering a spectacle of lights and shadows.  The agony stricken sky sparked with millions of dazzling lightening followed by monstrous thundering!

She remained unmoved by all this happenings still keeping her gaze on the horizon. Thousands of creatures crawled across her standing foot seeking refuge underground.  The last of the birds flew low over her head seeking refuge in caves that were already full with both prey and predators! One nervous bird dashed and unfurled her maze that seemed to flow along with the passing wind!  Far on the horizon it began to rain fire and of course rain too.

Swiftly she stood on her toes!

On her eyes reflected an unearthly image of a being that appeared far on the horizon. Her eyes blot into a sad smile while the image approached and waved his hand.

So FaR… So NeAr…

We put our feet up resting on our knees. She measured her size with mine and we both chuckled.

She said, “I wish my legs were as slender as yours”.

 I watched our soles rub time and again like a pair of flowers in some lazy wind. The trees along the road below swayed and rustled in the wind while some motors drooled away in oblivion. My eyes followed her attractive slant toes that were up to some mischief now. We both chuckled. I looked at her striking pair of legs that were curvy and healthy to my taste. She took my hand that was resting on my stomach and abandoned it like a child looking for the right toy. She turned around to get my other hand that was lying beside her. She pulled it in front of her and spread my fingers like a palmist. Her hair smelled fresh and good. She snuggled up my shoulder to rest her head comfortably.

She asked,”Am I hurting you?”

I smiled. “No dear”

“You see you are going to have three kids”

“Just three?  I want at least five…”

“Poor woman! Look I am going to have just one!”

She made a fist and showed a single line on the side of her palm. I didn’t know what to say to that…I mean we both knew it was stupid. I could feel her getting a bit edgy. Sometimes a casual question can make you awkward and uncomfortable even if it insults your intelligence!

The wind cooed outside jostling the trees on that sunny afternoon. The curtain fanned us until the wind was gone. Watching light and shadow play over our body was surreal. She looked at me and our eyes met. Her eyes seemed to say look how far we have come?

“I think I am hurting you. Remove your hand”

“No you are not”

“You rest on mine now” and I let her.

I looked into her eyes and remembered someone talking about how eyes can seem to be like an ocean. I think I was sinking into her eyes when…

“What are you looking at?”

“Your eyes are captivating”

“Oh! Really?” and she closed her eyes and inched towards me to wet our lips.

I was standing and staring up the house today. It was drizzly. The curtains had changed but the house stood. I stubbed my cigarette and walked along the pavement. I think I felt something more than words can say.

ACciDeNtaL BLUES…

The other night I hurt my face real bad after I went dizzy in the bathroom. I don’t remember anything except finding myself lying in the corner. I walked up to the mirror to discover the smash up. The wound was ugly deep, quite close to my right eye. A thin flippant skin hung out lifelessly. I replaced it and splashed water to clean my wound. Had to replace it again, pressed it a bit and it burnt. I had a long scratch on my forehead and other several marks on my face. I turned around to see how I hurt myself. No clue! I remembered holding myself on the wall before I went unconscious. I rushed to my room and came back with my specs. I tried to hide my wound but had to give up. I called up my friend I was talking to a while ago. It was late at night so I slept over the whole thing.

This is not the first time. I have had several more severe accidents. I was prepared for some; some were accidents; some while unleashing rage and others under the influence of out of the ordinary substance. Few days back we were discussing on the need we have sometimes to connect with a greater force. Not anger but simply force. Somebody talked of hanging a punching back. So whenever you have this need just unleash it and feel lighter. This is strange but I feel lighter too when I get physically hurt. Of course the scar on my face is bothering me but I have always felt better right from my childhood. 

What I am going to tell you now is relative to what I am talking about though it might sound a bit crazy. This was during our out of those ordinary days. We used to gather at our den in Delhi for our usual concoction to suspend, delay or speed time!  My friend had this sudden burst and yelled hard with force. Now the crazy part… I could see the sound particles in long wave forms being released from my friend’s mouth. Others gazed at him and went back to their activities. I somehow could feel the lightness in him and wished if I could have it too.  And before I could try I was overtaken, losing control over reality against mounting lights and sounds of the other world.

It’s been several years now that I have quit stuff… but in a way I feel that has helped me to understand myself better. I think I would like to write more on that. Some might think… it’s sad you had to take things to understand yourself. Yes I thought about that too but I figure… many things in life catch you off guard and how you struggle with it give you a better picture of who you are. I find life more happening that way. Trust me when you win on a situation you or the others thought was impossible…it makes you happier in a lot of ways. It’s a different matter when you watch the surface and assume what must lie beneath and quite a different matter altogether to explore the deep and to suck in air on the surface again! 

StRiNgs AtTaChEd…

I see u sitting on curled toes,

shy with thoughts of moments explored.

You bite your lip with heavy heart

for all reasons you surrendered.

And for all the lonely walks I took,

I feel… I thought of you.

You draw me into this fire.

As if this is everything we need.

And yet... you shirk on daylight.

Isn't life flowing with the breeze?

I feel like I want to sing for you

But you stop me one more time…

So I put my hands in my pocket

And I just walk on…